The Last Bastion Of Intelligent Conversation
by Red Witch
Summary: More interesting topics and debates on Krieger's Korner. Well interesting to some people anyway.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is at a bar somewhere. Once again it's time for another fun installment of Krieger's podcast. Well fun for me anyway. **

**The Last Bastion Of Intelligent Conversation **

"Hello!" Krieger said cheerfully as he sat at a bar in a restaurant. "This is Dr. Krieger and once again this is Krieger's Korner. Today we're at the bar in Happenings! Where things happen!"

"I can't believe this place hasn't burned to the ground by now," Pam looked around sipping a drink.

"Give it time," Ray sighed as he sipped his drink.

"Okay you know most of our panel," Krieger pointed. "Going from my left to right is Ray Gillette, Pam Poovey and everyone's favorite accountant, Cyril Figgis."

"It was either this or sit and cry in my office," Cyril admitted as he took a drink.

"To those of you wondering where Cheryl Tunt is," Krieger began.

Ray added. "I wasn't."

Krieger pressed on. "Cheryl decided to go out somewhere."

"And probably do some kind of damage," Cyril groaned. "Which will bite us all in the ass."

"Mostly you," Ray pointed out.

"That's why sitting in my office and crying was an option," Cyril explained.

"Isn't that your usual Saturday Night?" Pam quipped.

"We decided to have our show here, at Happenings!" Krieger explained.

"Where we have a bar tab the size of the national debt," Cyril added. "Spoiler alert: neither is going to be paid anytime soon."

"Let's jump right in, shall we?" Krieger asked.

Cyril groaned. "The last time you said that I got molested by one of your sea monsters."

"Whatever happened to Blinky?" Pam asked. "Is he still in the hot tub back in our old offices in New York or…?"

"Honestly I'd rather not know," Ray groaned as he took a drink. "I'd like to feign ignorance at the trial."

"Me too," Cyril groaned.

"Let's start with our first topic," Krieger went on. "We've lost over 3 billon birds since the 70's."

"On a related note," Ray quipped. "Cat obesity is rising."

"You're right Ray," Krieger nodded. "Cats are one of the main reasons why some types of songbirds may go extinct."

"I know Babou probably ate more than his share," Pam remarked. "Wouldn't surprise me if that damn thing knocked out at least five different species by now."

"Speaking of different species," Ray spoke up. "Has anyone seen Stewie?"

"Who's Stewie?" Cyril asked.

"One of Krieger's experiments," Pam explained. "Made from stew."

"Are you telling me **another one** of Krieger's crazy experiments is on the loose?" Cyril barked. "What if that thing runs amok?"

"You don't know this particular monster," Ray said. "The only thing that thing runs up is the cable bill."

"Relax," Krieger waved. "I got a postcard from him just yesterday. He's moved to San Krieger and has a job there."

Ray blinked. "What kind of job is a creature made from radioactive stew suited for?"

"He's in management at San Krieger's transportation department," Krieger explained.

"Ask a stupid question," Ray groaned.

"It's not like he isn't qualified," Pam admitted. "Actually, now that I think about it, Stewie may be **overqualified **for that job!"

"In other news," Krieger went on. "There is a new ship that will be sailing the high seas in a few years. The Titanic II!"

"Oh, that's a **great idea**," Ray said sarcastically. "We all know how well the **first **Titanic made out. Yeah. **Great **idea."

"That makes absolutely no sense at all to me," Pam admitted. "Why name something after a well-known disaster and hope that people will forget about it? What's next? Towering Inferno Apartments? Fyre Island Festival II? Hindenburg Airlines?"

"Technically that **already** happened," Cyril corrected. "I mean the blimp didn't crash…"

"I thought it was a rigid airship?" Krieger interrupted.

"But it was still a major disaster," Cyril added.

"True," Pam nodded. "But I'm asking why you would willingly associate yourself with something that failed miserably before?"

"Things people say about our agency," Ray groaned.

"Point taken," Pam admitted. "But you see my point, right? Why do something that didn't work before?"

"Like all those Starship Trooper movies," Cyril said.

"That one doesn't really apply," Krieger said. "I admit they aren't exactly cinematic masterpieces but the first one was so bad it was good in a funny schlocky way. Plus, it had a lot of cameos. And the rest of the series had its moments. Some pretty halfway decent satire in them if you think about it."

"More like the later Men in Black movies," Ray explained. "Or the Ernest movies. Woof!"

"Or the Inhumans TV series," Cyril added.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "**That's** what I'm talking about."

"Well people loved the Titanic movie," Krieger pointed out. "All of them actually. That thing has been remade quite a few times over the years."

"That's **different!**" Pam snapped. "Movies about tragedies are one thing. Capitalizing on actual tragedies is another."

"Isn't a movie capitalizing the tragedy?" Cyril asked confused.

"Technically," Pam said. "But they always humanize it with interesting people and make sure a cute kid or a popular person dies in order to hammer it home with the audience."

"Or have at least one rat bastard bite it in the end," Krieger added.

"Exactly," Pam nodded. "Movies at least remind you that actual people died in a tragedy. Just renaming another ship Titanic is just glossing over what happened. Oops. We forgot to install anti-iceberg technology in **that** one. Our bad. We'll just put some in the next one and hope for the best!"

"All I know is that I ain't going on **that ship**," Ray waved.

"Me too," Cyril nodded.

"That's usually my line," Krieger quipped.

"I have something I want to discuss," Pam spoke up.

"When do you **not?**" Ray asked.

Pam ignored him. "I want to talk about this thing I saw online. This fake play cheese, sausage and crackers set they have for kids."

"You mean the play charcuterie board?" Ray asked.

"More like a charlatan board!" Pam snapped. "What kind of parents would give a kid a gift like **that?** Instead of **real food**!"

"I could see how that would make you angry," Cyril said diplomatically.

"Hell, my cousin Paul would have wolfed half of it down before he realized it was fake," Pam grumbled. "Then again he's done that before with those Play-Doh fake pizza and baking toys."

"Well children do tend to put things in their mouths," Krieger told her.

Pam looked at him. "He's thirty-five. The man is a human vacuum cleaner. He makes me look like a light eater."

"That **is** something," Ray blinked.

"I have to agree with Pam on this one," Cyril said. "Toys like that promote well…elitism."

"The only thing missing is the toy wine," Pam nodded. "And fancy French toy waiter."

"I would have probably liked to play with that," Ray sighed. "But I do see your point. It is kind of snooty."

"Well it is supposed to promote the finer things in life," Krieger shrugged.

"For **three-year olds**?" Pam snapped. "This is the same group that eats dirt and their own boogers!"

"Well we all know what the rich white people are giving their toddlers this year," Ray remarked.

"That is its target market," Krieger admitted.

"I'd like to talk about something too," Cyril spoke up. "Something that's been bothering me."

"Your love life?" Pam quipped.

Cyril pressed on. "The thing that's been bothering me is…"

"Lack of a quadruple X sized condoms?" Pam interrupted again.

Cyril paused. "That too. What? There's a market for it! I know of at least 12 other guys who have the same problem I do!"

"There are twelve **other Cyrils** in the world?" Ray asked.

"I think he means that there are other men with huge dicks," Krieger said. "Wait…There are?"

"We met up in a few sexual addiction meetings," Cyril admitted. "We all wrote to the companies complaining about this problem. Admittedly most of them used to work in porn…"

"Let's talk about that!" Pam's eyes lit up.

"Yes! Lets!" Ray agreed.

"Sex sells," Krieger admitted. "Our podcast could use some spice! If you want to talk about these meetings, go ahead!"

"This isn't about **that!"** Cyril snapped.

"Awww…" Ray pouted.

"Lame," Pam grumbled.

"The new tax laws are really bothersome…" Cyril began. "They are a problem."

"I'd rather discuss the large penis problem," Pam spoke up.

"Me too," Ray said.

"Boy everybody's getting use out of my line," Krieger groaned.

"Well I think it's vital that we talk about the new tax laws and loopholes," Cyril began.

"Cyril we're trying to keep our viewers **interested**!" Krieger told him. "Not fall asleep!"

"Fine!" Cyril pouted. "I'm just trying to elevate the conversation here. But if you think you can do better, **go ahead!"**

"I'm pretty sure we can do better than tax loopholes," Krieger remarked.

"Go ahead then," Cyril challenged. "Let's hear this **fascinating** conversation you've come up with."

"Jesus Cyril," Pam remarked. "What's got your panties in a knot?"

"Yeah you're acting as ornery as a cat stuck in a cactus," Ray added.

"I'm mad because every time I try to elevate the level of this group, I get shot down," Cyril snapped.

"Like you at a bar when you try to pick up women," Pam added.

"Cheap shot Pam!" Cyril snapped. "Cheap shot! I noticed you haven't exactly been on a winning streak like…**ever**!"

"Whoa dude!" Pam snapped. "That's pretty harsh!"

"Oh, you haven't **heard** harsh yet!" Cyril shouted. "I hate the fact that you all pick on me for my love life, but yours aren't so great! It's time you assholes got what was coming to you!"

Then Cyril started to sob uncontrollably. "Why are you all so **mean **to me? I just want to be one of the guys. Or whatever Pam is. And you're all so nasty and mean and I….WAAAHHH!"

Krieger blinked. "I don't know **what** we had coming but I sure as hell wasn't expecting **that!**"

"I just want someone to **love me**!" Cyril sobbed uncontrollably. "Is that too much to ask? WAAAHHH!"

"O-kay…" Krieger winced. "Cyril's having a tiny little psychotic break here…"

"Are you on some new meds or something?" Pam snapped.

"You're acting moodier than Pam on the rag," Ray added.

"He's right," Pam said. "I do get moody. Well I used to. But now I'm taking new pills that make Midol look like sugar pills. Krieger what do you call those pills you've been giving me?"

"Sugar pills," Krieger said. "You're in my control group."

"WHAT?" Ray shouted. "Hang on…Pam are you taking pills from **Krieger**?"

"Well not **anymore**!" Pam snapped. "Not if he's going to hog all the good stuff. Or give them to his stupid pigs!"

"I didn't give any of my Krieger Kramp Buster pills to any of my pigs!" Krieger snapped.

"Well then who **did** you give them to?" Pam shouted.

Everyone then looked at Cyril who was still crying. "What?" Cyril sniffed. Then he realized something. "KRIEGER! You told me these would help with my sex addiction!"

"I didn't say **how,**" Krieger admitted.

"Yeah you crying is definitely a **turn off,"** Ray nodded. "That will stop anyone from wanting to have sex with you."

"God damn it Krieger!" Cyril shouted.

"Cyril you should know by now not to ask Krieger for any kind of drugs," Ray chastised him. "Unless you want to go on a really good trip."

"No wonder I've been so damn moody lately!" Cyril groaned.

"On the plus side I think it's doing wonders for your water retention," Krieger remarked.

Pam noticed. "You know, I have noticed that you've been looking a bit trimmer lately. Have you been hitting the gym?"

"Well I just took up power walking a few days ago," Cyril admitted. "And I've been swimming in the pool a lot too. I'm thinking of starting a new weight lifting exercise program."

"Couldn't hurt," Pam remarked. "Especially when Archer gets out of the coma and finds out you've been hitting on Lana again."

Ray agreed. "You might want to be in shape good enough to hit back!"

Cyril admitted. "It's not the worst plan you guys have come up with." He got up.

"Where are you going?" Pam asked.

"I need to freshen up," Cyril pouted. "Powder my nose a little bit. Plus, I am having such a bad hair day I can't believe it!" He started to walk away with a swish.

Ray blinked. "Okay Cyril is starting to act a little girly even for me!"

"Krieger you'd better switch him off the pills before he starts trying on high heels," Pam remarked.

Ray looked at her. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Okay that's enough for today. Tune in next time for another episode of Krieger's Korner," Krieger said. "The last bastion of intelligent conversation."

"There's a reason why it's the **last**," Ray groaned as he took a drink.


End file.
